Most days I wake up and everything is great. On Sunday, I even woke up twice in the night and a third time in the morning with an actual smile on my face! It made me laugh as I had never experienced that before in my life. I wake up and go through my day and most of the time it’s all good.
But then there are those days. The days like today, when I wake up and everything is great, but then somehow I end up in a mall, unable to hold back the tears that have been pressing to come out all afternoon. And what caused the turn of emotions? Literally nothing; ridiculous small things that shouldn’t affect my emotions. Small things, like being out longer than expected and realizing I wouldn’t get home in time to cook something for dinner, which meant the only ‘quick’ thing would be a salad (but even that involves quite a bit a work) and today I can’t bear the thought of another salad. See, silly things that normally I wouldn’t cry over. But things have changed and sometimes I can’t help it. I wanted to fight it (or maybe I didn’t, I don’t even know) but literally felt helpless to resist these ridiculous emotions. So I wallowed for a little while.
I don’t share about these days often. But truth is, they exist. Thankfully, much less often than they used to; I have learned to resist those ridiculous emotions on some days; but sometimes these days still happen. People often encourage me with how brave I am, how strong my faith is, etc. But the truth is, most days it’s an all day battle against fear. It’s an all day fight to choose faith and to choose to believe what I can’t see. I don’t feel courageous and sometimes wonder if I’m not actually foolish.
Recently, there was a certain circumstance that happened and it left me feeling like a lot of people were going to think I was a failure. Extra vulnerability for this post: self-worth is a huge struggle in my life that I am slowly learning to overcome with God’s help. Anyway, I felt myself slipping into that low place, wondering how to fix it and how I was going to prove I hadn’t been wrong or failed. In that moment, God simply asked me if I had been obedient to what He had spoken to me. The answer was, yes, I had done what He said. The response I heard was something like this, “Then how will you measure your success? By what they (people) think of you or what I think of you? All I ask of you is obedience; you were obedient and therefore to me you are a success.” So gentle, so loving. God is so good.
Today, however, there was no booming voice from Heaven or even a soft gentle whisper inside. There was just wrestling; wrestling to stay afloat; wrestling to find hope I could grab onto again, because I had let go of it momentarily.
Thankfully, life is made up mostly of the good days – the laughing. But then there are the days of crying sprinkled in too…it makes the joy that comes in the morning that much sweeter.
So I’m signing off, thankful that tomorrow will be a new day and a day of new mercy, grace & strength.