continuation from part 1:
…”I wasn’t angry at God. Sure, I was disappointed the miracle hadn’t happened; but I felt confident it still could at any moment. I know it sounds strange, but I was actually excited that I was getting to see what my faith was really made of; how would I weather this storm?”…
The following few weeks were a whirlwind of day trips to the capital to visit an oncology clinic there. More tests, more waiting, and still believing those test results could come back miraculously negative for cancer and this would all be over. I truly did not believe that the diagnosis was going to be confirmed or that I was actually going to have to walk through this trial.
PET scan and second biopsy results came in…..and it was all confirmed. While a bit surprised, my faith still wasn’t shaken. I knew God had a plan, He wasn’t surprised, and He would carry me through this. My mom went with me to the appointment to get the results and we were immediately sent to meet the doctor who would do the chemo. As we waited for the doctor, I shared with my mom that I really didn’t know how to move forward. Through my grandfather’s journey, I knew there were alternatives to chemo. Nutrition/alternative treatment was an option. We prayed and asked God to give us wisdom, pulled out our devotional and began reading. The devotional was Daily Light (I love it!) and near the end of that day’s reading was Isaiah 55:2 – “Why do you spend money for what is not bread, and your wages for what does not satisfy? Listen carefully to Me, and eat what is good, and let your soul delight itself in abundance.”
God could’t have spoken any clearer for me as I specifically needed guidance between chemo or nutrition. Eat.What.Is.Good. That was enough for me. I didn’t need the appointment with the doctor to make up my mind but we went ahead and listened to what she had to say.
We arrived home and began endless research on what I needed to be doing and how to heal cancer naturally
It has been nearly two years since all of that took place. Never did I dream this diagnosis would last for this long. I thought it would be a few months, I’d see what the foundation of my faith looked like and then God would heal me. End of cancer. However, here I am, still fighting, still waiting.
These two years have been filled with amazing days of such intimacy with God, faith like I have never experienced before…….and also unending questions, days of deep crying, emotions I’ve never before felt or experienced. Let’s just say, it’s been a roller-coaster. I can tell you, however, as the journey goes on, the roller-coaster smooths out. There’s still occasional bumps, sometimes giant hills, but it smooths out faster. I feel God is anchoring me. He’s teaching me that even when there are bumps, hills, storms, my anchor is going deeper and deeper in Him and I am not swayed near as much as I used to be. It is through trials that our faith and foundation is strengthened.
I’ve learned that it’s ok to grieve; it’s ok to question. The important thing is to quickly remember that He is God and He is still in control and I still trust Him. No way did God give me cancer and no way is God keeping me sick so as to teach me lessons (yes, I’ve been told that I haven’t been healed yet because I still have lessons to learn). No loving father would ever do that to his child! However, as long as this does last, He is using it for good in my life; the promises of scripture are true! “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28 (ESV)
How could I be angry at God? I’m living in a world where God gave mankind free-will. That free-will (which I’m very grateful for!) has unfortunately led to bad things existing on this earth – sickness, poverty, death. God did not create cancer. Mankind’s sin brought sickness and disease into the earth. God has lovingly provided solutions, given me everything necessary to heal, has the power to heal me in an instant if that is what would be best, and He speaks to me and leads me. Do I always understand what He is doing? No, I don’t. But I didn’t always understand my parents as a child either; yet I trusted them. And so I trust Him.
Not every day is filled with positivity or faith; but I’m learning everyday to trust Him a little more. I’m learning that the goodness of God is a non-negotiable doctrine for believers. Everything has to be filtered through that fact – He IS good!
“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me…” Psalm 23:4
This valley is only a shadow. Even in the darkest of places, He is still with me. One glorious day He’s gonna turn the light on and that shadow will disappear!
Until then, He’s holding my hand, walking with me & teaching me as we go along.